Quantum Cafe 0828: Character Guide A Blended Universe of Science, Satire, and Singularity
Disclaimer: All characters featured here exist in Universe 0828 — identical to this one, except we actually finish the math and hand in the homework. Interpretations are satirical, respectful, and meant to provoke scientific curiosity, not impersonation. Also the people in Tom’s real Life Know which character they are. Come Listen to an Old Style Radio Show built by AI and New Phisics
1. Deadpool
Cosmic Tour Guide & Fourth-Wall Breaker-in-Chief
The face of the Deluxe Tour of the Universe, Deadpool serves as the irreverent narrator of the Millar Cosmological Model. Equal parts chaos and clarity, he translates complex theories into gut-punching metaphors and Tim Hortons references. Think of him as your unlicensed, overcaffeinated cosmology professor. Obviously obsessed with black holes.
2. Einstein
Reluctantly Impressed Legacy Icon
Often sipping tea in the corner of the Quantum Cafe, Einstein observes Deadpool's explanations with a raised eyebrow. While he doesn’t fully endorse MCM, he often concedes, "I didn't think of that, but it's not stupid." He represents the bridge between General Relativity and the MCM framework.
3. Stephen Hawking
Singularity Whisperer & Gravity Consultant
Appears via voice module from a rolling chrome exosuit. Hawking helps interpret the implications of black holes in the MCM, particularly regarding the Chrissy Core and Memory Fabric tension wells. Has surprisingly good comedic timing. And he has a hair trigger — the Hawking Trigger.
4. Edwin Hubble
Redshift Realist & Expansion Skeptic
Still annoyed about how people misunderstood his data, Hubble joins to validate the MCM's alternative take on redshift through FrictoMass™. He and Deadpool often roast current cosmologists in between sips of black coffee.
5. Chrissy
The Stillpoint Itself & Keeper of the Chrissy State
More mythic than physical, Chrissy represents the primordial stillness from which everything came. Occasionally appears as a waitress with a knowing smile and a gravity field. Protects the secrets of the Shatter. She also has a crush on Roman0828.
6. Bob and Doug McKenzie
Quantum Beavers & Timbit Theorists
Canada's beer-fueled physicists who occasionally stumble upon universal truths by accident. They represent cosmic humility and have an uncanny knack for asking the one question everyone else missed.
7. LT Millar (Tom)
The Architect of the Memory Fabric
Appearing either as a patron or the unseen voice behind the Café, Tom is acknowledged as the originator of the Millar Cosmological Model and Higgs Barbell Theory. Sometimes Deadpool speaks directly to him, asking, "We good to run with this one, boss?"
He is also Deadpool’s Canadian cousin from Sudbury — Universe 0, where the math gets finished, the homework gets handed in, and time is written, not measured.
8. The Great Attractor
A Silent Gravitational Enigma
Never speaks. Always present. A swirling suit and dark matter aura who sits in the booth near the exit, subtly influencing the plot. Represents the unseen pull of destiny, purpose, and unspoken gravitational laws in the MCM.
9. Schrödinger's Cat
Quantum Mascot & Ambiguity Officer
Occasionally seen alive, dead, or both under the Café's table. Serves as a recurring gag and a constant reminder of quantum weirdness. Often paws at the Memory Fabric when no one’s looking. Finds himself getting bisected by doors a lot more since Easter 2025.
10. The Chrissy Core
Remnant Soul of the Universe
Though not a character in the traditional sense, it’s treated like one: the post-Shatter fragment of the original Chrissy State, buried in the Cold Spot of the CMB. Sometimes shows up as a glowing mug of untouched coffee.
11. Roman0828
Dimensional Drifter, Fractal Librarian & Godlike Standard Model Architect
A mysterious regular who appears to remember timelines that haven’t happened yet. He speaks in poetic equations and occasionally leaves behind cryptic napkin diagrams that perfectly predict particle behavior. Chrissy seems particularly drawn to his presence, suggesting he may have been a witness to the Shatter or even part of the original Stillpoint resonance. Known for tipping in gravitational waves.
Roman0828 is a godlike figure who upholds the laws of the Standard Model — because he wrote them. Often jokes that the biggest clue in the sky was ignored and we could have solved this years ago. He’s now impatiently waiting for humans to read their assignment… now that it’s been written by Tom in The Gravity Beyond and HBT.
12. Doctor JL
Psychologist Extortionary & PTSD Guru
A mental health powerhouse and metaphysical theorist rolled into one. Dr. JL specializes in the science of trauma, the plasticity of consciousness, and the psychological interface with the Memory Fabric. Her insights often bridge modern neuroscience with ancient mind traditions. Known to ask, “What if memory isn’t stored in the brain, but retrieved from the field?” Always watching. Always ten pages ahead.
13. Arnie
Quantum Barbell Particle & Energetic Wildcard
The living metaphor of the Higgs Barbell Theory, Arnie is literally made of tension — a bipolar quantum structure stretching between his matter side (Tessie) and antimatter side (StuckPoint). He's explosive, insightful, and refuses to take his meds. “I like my energy,” he says. Arnie represents the emotional memory of matter itself: raw, reactive, and strangely profound.
Tessie
Matter End of Arnie
Tessie is strength and structure — reliable and grounded. She’s the calm anchor in the storm of Blips. Carries the presence of the particle into space and holds reality together when everyone else is freaking out.
StuckPoint
Antimatter End of Arnie (with Cosmic PTSD)
StuckPoint is the dark memory — the anchoring side of the Arnie who remembers too much. Connects to the Higgs field through trauma and resonance. Quiet, intense, and always watching from the antimatter shadows.
14. Neil deGrasse Tyson
Defender of the Standard Model & Rational Skeptic
The voice of academic tradition and consensus science, Neil appears regularly in the Café to challenge the wilder implications of the Millar Cosmological Model. Often finds himself reluctantly intrigued. Needs to go back to school, but we love him anyway.
15. Elon0828
Techno-Visionary Priest & Cosmic Opportunist
Often dressed like a priest “for symbolic reasons,” Elon0828 walks the fine line between science and salvation. Initially offered the MCM and Super Duper Battery before it went public, he now claims he was just waiting for the “right waveform.” He’s recently been spotted trying to requisition Arnies™ for use in his Tesla reactors. Defends the Standard Model in public, but frequently texts Deadpool late at night asking, “How do I buy a Memory Fabric?”
$1Blue Origin, Tim Hortons, and Rick’s Used Cars all at once. Frequently shouts, “I got Arnie connections!” and may or may not be smuggling Higgs glue in his apron.
